Christmas is Annoying
Let me set the record straight, I do not hate Christmas, in fact, I enjoy Christmas day quite thoroughly. Having said that, there is a lot about this time of year that bothers me immensely, and for all of those people that put their tree up as they are blowing out the candle in the pumpkin, this is why.
1. Christmas List
Every year this sucker grows like a bad fungus. I have no idea why or how this happens, but it must be stopped. Today is November 22 and I have twenty-three people on there all ready, twenty-three! I didn’t even know I knew that many people, why do I have to buy them all presents?
2. Christmas Music
All right, I get the whole Christmas music thing. I understand the marketing, the putting me in a Christmasy shopping extravaganza mood, really, I do, but lay off, already. Every place I enter bombards me with Jingle Bells and Silent Night over and over and over again, day after day after day, like some kind of torture so much so that it backfires. Now, when I hear the jolly, happy strains of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, I become instantly homicidal.
3. Halloween and Christmas Decorations on the Same Shelf
Really? Really? Is this absolutely necessary?
4. Forced Cheer
This is the season of peace and goodwill and all of that, and you know what? That’s great, it really is, but you know what? I am not in a good mood. I hate this time of year. I hate the expense, I hate the ‘bustle,’ and I hate, hate, hate, the weather. Maybe everyone else can be all apple-cheeked and rosy lipped while they’re out shoveling their walkway in minus thirty degrees and scraping a foot of snow and two inches of ice off of their windshield at 6:30 in the morning so they can get to work, but you know what? I can’t, so tough.
5. Yay! More for Me to Do!
My life is busy. I work full-time, write in the evenings, run a household, take violin lessons, participate in the London Writers Society, have two big dogs, laundry, emails, phone calls, family, dishes, oil changes, vacuuming, mopping, cooking, groceries, and so on, but that’s okay! Don’t worry about me, I’ll just wedge in Christmas shopping, baking, parties, visiting, cards, phone calls, dinners, wrapping, decorating, cooking, hosting, tree hunting and stocking stuffing, and do it all with a big, stupid grin on my face! No problem!
6. Spend, spend, spend!
The commercialization of Christmas does not only bother me, so I won’t belabor it, but it does add an extra scowl to my face as I elbow my way through crowded stores and malls to spend every extra cent I have on a bunch of crap for a bunch of people I don’t even see all that often. And before anyone says anything like, well, gee, if you would start your Christmas shopping earlier, blah, blah, blah, let me tell you something, sweetheart, I am not going to think about this season any sooner than I absolutely have to. I know people who are already done their Christmas shopping and all I have for them is kudos, baby.
7. Rushing the Season
Time is precious and I ferociously resent the obsession with making it Christmas now, now, now! Damn your twinkling lights, your already blinking trees, your weird, blow up penguins in scarves and polar bears in blue hats and weirdo stuff like that on your lawn. It’s NOVEMBER, people! It hasn’t even snowed yet, (thankfully.) After December first, I might give it to you, two weeks before Christmas fine, be a Christmas ninja. But do we really have to suck whatever deformed thing might be left of Christmas’s soul by beating it to death early? Let Christmas breathe! You’re smothering Christmas to death!
When you live in Canada like I do, you learn one thing really, really fast: travelling in the winter is a royal pain in the butt on its own, add to it all of the Christmas travellers and what you have, my friends, is the making of a Christmas tragedy. I don’t travel every year, but when your family is as large and spread out as mine it, it is difficult not to unless you want to spend Christmas alone with your cat like a real cool kid. Airports are packed and you usually get stranded there anyway because of what seems to be the annual Christmas Blizzard/Ice Storm. How was your vending machine dinner on the floor or the airport, not good? Maybe you should have taken a bus or a train. Hurry up and get your tickets though, those puppies are going fast! Want to drive yourself? Old Man Winter is looking at you, squinting up his wrinkled old face and tilting his head, “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you? Because you got a fifty-fifty shot of spending Christmas in the back of your SUV on the side of highway 401.” Good luck with that, sucker.
How many calories can one person consume? Holy!
10. You’re Scrooged
No matter what I do this time of year, I am the bad guy. If I am cranky about Christmas, everyone lays into me about what a cranky-pants I am and how I ruin everything for everyone, fine, great. If I slap on some fake Christmas cheer and pull on a knit Rudolph sweater, then I’m just making fun of all these truly Christmas spirited people. What do you want from me? I can’t help how I feel. This is a democracy, I am entitled to be irritated with Christmas, and I will be, so there! Come and see me Christmas day, surrounded by loved ones, cozy and warm and full of turkey, and you’ll get a very different Christmas perspective, but as for the build up? Well, I’m sticking with the Grinch on that one.